We woke up this morning..at about 9am - got to sleep in a bit, though Jack was already up and Julia was kicking the walls trying to get out of her "bed".....woo hoo....
We then decided to travel to Elizabeth to an "Alpaca Festival"....yes you read that right....alpacas.....Jack LOVED it. He was so infatuated with the chickens running around, the alpacas, the ducks, the goats, the food, and, of course......................the girls running around....LOTS of them, but he took a liking to one in particular. She was cute. THey chased the chickens a lot.
Julia was a little hesitant with all of it. She, too, was very interested with the chickens, and tried her best to chase them around, but never caught one and got frustrated. At one point, she saw Jack and his new girlfriend chasing them around and tried so hard to get into the action, but after about four steps, realized she couldn't physically do it, and just melted into a heap of sorrow. It is starting to get to the point where she realizes she is different somehow. I huddled with her on the chicken poop covered ground and just told her it was ok, even though I was crying too. She is TOO cognitive and has TOO much receptive knowledge - she KNOWS she can't do what the other kids can do, AND she can't talk.....She and I were at our breaking points today, but I think we both hid it pretty well.
Then, tonight Shawn and I got to go to dinner. What a wonderful dinner we had (on a gift card no less!!!). Again, I don't mean to look for triggers, but I find them everywhere. There was a super long wait for a table - Homecoming.....all the kids dressed up and looking pretty and trying to impress their dates...I could not stop my mind from going to that place - Julia will likely not go to homecoming in this manner. I tried to let it go. Then we were seated, and in my view, directly at the table across from us, a boy, about 12 years old, clearly autistic. Shawn and I managed to have a great dinner and good conversation, and good repoir with the waitress (who I may need to help me with a job soon-haha). It really was a good night. I am just scared about the future of everyone in my family. Not just income, but FUTURE. What are Julia's potentials. Where will Jack end up. What about Shawn and I. How will I make enough money if I leave the typical practice of Vet Med. My brain hurts.
It will all be OK. It will work out fine. Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. All I (we) can do at this point.
Thanks for listening. Keep your prayers for Julia.
Susan
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Susan
ReplyDeleteI KNOW that the most important aspect of what you way in this post is the fact that you at least reflect on your life and want to make changes. I truly believe that the more you talk about it (mainly with your family) then change will occur. I'm reading a book right now that you may enjoy called Family Based Faith. In it the author takes 'Moses' words to Love God with all your heart, spirit, and might and explains that "Love" as 'An Act of will with emotion to do goo for another object.' If you've never listened to Dr. Prager and his happiness hour on Friday but his theory also revolves around Happiness only being made through our behavior and actions. Keep your family as your priority and i can only pray that everything else will fall into place, whatever that is. (p.s. I think I'm writing this comment more for myself!!)
Sorry for all the typos....it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. Imagine, not sleeping when 9 months prego!!
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