Welcome to Julia's Site!

This blog is made available for several reasons. First and foremost, to keep those that know Julia current with what is going on with her and her progress. It is also my intention to educate those who do not know Julia about what happened to her, so they can make educated decisions about their own children. I want to welcome those of you with questions about her disease, treatments, and just the general life (the good and the bad) of living with a brain damaged child. Finally, it is a therapeutic release for me, Julia's mom, Susan. I love writing and need to get some of this stuff out of my head and onto "paper". Thank you!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Big Day Tomorrow!

Julia has quite a day lined up for tomorrow!

She is going to skip Occupational Therapy and Augmentative Communication Therapy tomorrow (though I am bummed about that because she is doing so well and we want to get her a communication device asap), because she has her first DENTIST appointment tomorrow. Anyone who has ever watched her or tried to brush her teeth knows how this is going to go........Julia's Life Care Planner suggested I get this set up, to see if cleaning her teeth while she is awake is even possible - I try to brush, so does Shawn and Grandma, but the quality of the brushing is questionable. So, off to the dentist we go to see what shape her teeth are in. The dentist said we may get nowhere, and they may have to refer her to an outpatient facility that can sedate or anesthetize her for this....this is important info for the Life Care Planner, as it will determine if they will cover future sedations/anesthesia for dental care. I hope they are able to do it without meds, but, if they can't we need to know that. I am worried about what they will find in that mouth if they can do it and am hopeful they can give me some direction on getting her teeth brushed. We all do our best, but......Anyway, it has been my thought that these are her baby teeth anyway and will be falling out at age 6 or so anyway, but who knows if at age six we will be able to do it......I hope so!!!!

After the dentist, I have a nurse coming over recommended by medicaid, to see if she qualifies for any at home care. Someone to help out a few days a week, a couple hours a day, so that I can keep the house clean, cook dinner, spend time with Jack, have someone trained to do her in home therapy in the evenings....just to free up some time for me to take care of the homes other needs. So, I have three people who are interested in the job coming over tomorrow to see what its all about. They have to show that they know how to handle Julia, which they do as all of them have watched her many times. I hope this goes well, as this house is a mess many nights, and I want Jack to have some kind of a normal life a few nights a week! We could go to a movie together! How cool is that!

So, I will update tomorrow how all that goes. Please pray it goes well. I have all the PT, OT, ST plans written out with guidance from her therapists, etc....so, have been busy with my homework to make this happen, aside from all the paperwork and phonecalls involved with medicaid (an over two year battle) to get to this point! Things will be settling here soon I hope. I know!

Susan

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving - can you believe it?

Well, another year has almost come to an end. Thanksgiving is today. I have several things ALREADY that I am thankful for today!

First and foremost, Shawn let me sleep in til 930am! That is something I haven't done in, well, I can't even remember - seriously!!! Second, he cooked a wonderful breakfast, to which I added waffles as I was having a craving. After I ate, my wonderful son, Jack came over and just layed on top of me - "giving me some love" as we call it. I usually have to beg, but today, he just did it on his own. I was laying there and realized that though I had slept in, I was still exhausted. So, Shawn let me go back to bed and I slept from 10:45 till 1pm!!! I haven't felt this rested since probably before I ever had any kids. It is strange! It is amazing what sleep can do for the soul!!! So, Thank you Shawn for taking care of the kids this morning to I could rejuvinate.....it was much needed and appreciated! Those were the little things for today.

The bigger things....well, even with all the adversity I have been facing over the last almost three years, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head (not owned, but at least the ability to still rent and keep my kids warm and clothed). I have a good job which helps me pay all these bills that are coming in...so what if I am still in the hole every month - can you imagine if I was only able to work at Taco Bell or somthing similar? What would happen to my children. I am thankful that I have a career, or a "trade", where I could get a new job tomorrow if I was let go at my current practice - in this economy many many people are not as fortunate. I am thankful to have Jack, a wonderfully sweet child with a heart of gold and stamina - do not forget that everything that has happened over the last three years - has happened to him too. He does not get the attention he deserves, simply due to lack of time and his sister's disabilities, but he pushes on and got an award for being one of the most compassionate kids in his first grade class. And sense of humor - OMG - he keeps me going on the real hard days. I am thankful to have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts my children as his own, and who has the patience of a saint (most days). He puts up with me and my anger and depression that often rear their ugly heads when times are hard or when I get too wrapped up in all the red tape of advocating for my daughter. And finally, I am thankful, most of all, believe it or not, for my daughter, Julia. She has taught me so much about so many different things. She has led me to be more proactive, she has lead me to open my heart to others in need, she has taught me empathy for others in similar situations. She has taught me unconditional love. She has it for me, even when I get aggravated with the system, with her, etc, which does happen more often than I would like to admit. :) And I have unconditional love for her. I was speaking to some friends at work yesterday who told me that they are amazed at everything I am doing on her behalf and that they can't imagine trying to fit it all into a 24 hour day or a seven day week, but I do, week after week, after week....and you know why? Because I love my daughter more than anyone would ever believe and I want her to have the best chance at life. The decisions I make are for her. Some people think these decisions are wrong, because of the consequences on my finances, but these decisions are for her!!! I will live in a shack if I have to to keep doing what I do for HER. BECAUSE I LOVE HER and will do whatever I can to protect her and to hopefully improve her condition. Do I get frustrated with her? Yes I do. Anyone who has spent any amount of time gets frustrated with her, but WE all know it is NOT her fault for acting out the way she does. Her brain is broken. I am THANKFUL that I am able to try to make it better so she can be a more productive member of society - no matter what it does to my finances. When her settlement comes through - in about a year - things will change for the better for all of us - and I can start digging myself out of this hole....until then, I will continue. I am thankful for the people that chose to help with this, as they understand what the reasons are.

Your family is not just your blood family. Your family includes those who you choose to be a part of your life - and I love my "family" and am thankful for their support and friendship.

Go eat turkey everyone - especially YOU Makenzie - so glad she is eating again (though small amounts) after almost three years.. YOU GO GIRL!

Susan

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

good song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vWhdz5svvQ

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What is important.....

MY KIDS. Advocating for my kids. Especially my disabled child, Julia.

I have learned much in the last couple of days. I have learned that I am basically alone for all of the realities in this fight. Does Julia have people who care besides me? Absolutely she does! Will any of them follow through on promises? Well, I can think of a few. Are there people unrelated who follow through? Absolutely!!!! Thank you Mom, Roger, Shawn, Sissy, Howard, LeAnne, Barbara, and others in her "family" and everyone at work who has helped. But, even after all of that, it comes down to the one who really truly makes any of the positive future a reality for her. ME, her mother.

Am I resentful of this? Very. Am I dissappointed by many family members? Absolutely. Is blood thicker than water? Nope, not my experience.

I will NEVER give up on my kids, especially Julia, when it comes to her needs. Was this vaccine injury MY fault? Rationally, no. But I did demand the vaccine that day. Was this anyone elses fault? NOPE. But could I use some help? YES. Who are we trained to ask for help from....family..... Do people get it? NOPE. I made my bed now I will lay in it.

I think often of my children and who they will grow up to be. I hope and pray that Jack will "get" some ability to empathize, and if able, to help however he can - rather its his family or just a close friend. I think he will. I hope I can instill thse values in him. I try to do it everyday.

I realize that many people simply "cannot" "get" what it is to have a child like Julia, but I can tell you, that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be there however I could - be it my sister, my mother, my father or anyone else in my family. I hope to pass these traits on to my children.

I am doing the best that I can and according to my therapist, I am doing remarkable well, even when I get the rejection(that pierces me to my soul) over and over again from one particular individual. My therapist would be proud of me today for my response to this person. Did it help my financial situation? Absolutely not, but did it help my emotional situation - YES. So, the money will come from the settlement eventually. Jack is young and will not remember that I could not provide him with everything he "wants" this christmas. Julia is the priority this year, and for however many years it takes to make her better and keep her out of a "home".

Susan

Very Confused

Do you ever feel like you are in desperate need of help and everyone around you, especially family, either doesn't seem to notice, or doesn't seem to understand, or doesn't really seem to care. But the JUDGEMENT of some of these people just blows my mind. I am trying to take a deep breath and just go with it, but inside i just want to SCREAM! I am told that the financial mess I am in was all due to my decisions, and therefore, is my responsibility to deal with it. I get that to a point....but it was NOT my DECISION to have a brain injured child. THAT is where MOST my money is going. It WAS and IS my decision to do what is best for HER right now, but it is NOT my DECISION to be unable to provide, for instance, a college fund, for my son in the future. This is not possible right now due to the FINANCIAL mess that I APPARENTLY created following my daughter's brain injury. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS INJURY. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE. I am so angry, sad, mad, sorrowful, confused, rejected, etc all at the same time right now.

So, aside from certain people especially close to Julia who are making me feel this way, THANK YOU to those who HAVE offered help. THANK YOU, most of all to my mother, Julia's only "participating" grandmother, who, despite her financial situation, always tries to help with more than occassional babysitting, and with getting the kids toys and clothes. THANK YOU to Granpa Roger for letting mom keep the kids for me now and then. THANK YOU to Shawn, for sitting with me here night after night listening to the "beehive" and keeping me sane. THANK YOU to Mary and Howard for starting the "rock" campiagn. THANK YOU Pam and Stacy for always listening and getting it. THANK YOU to Dawn, Mine, Anna, Nora, Liz, Jeanette, Dr Stacy, Molly, Mary Wise for help with babysitting and transportation for Julia's school which is in HER best INTEREST. Thank you to all who helped out at her fund raiser last year for her hippotherapy. If I have forgotten anyone - THANK YOU ALL! There are people out there who care, and most are not even related to julia and many have never even met her.

And to those of you who Julia's situation and I annoy - my apologies and you will never have to hear from us again. NOTHING expected, or even WANTED from you at this point. Go on and enjoy your quiet lives and keep Julia and I where you want us - out of sight out of mind. I would prefer that over the judgement anyday. We will all be judged in the end and I know I am doing right by my kids.

Susan

Monday, November 16, 2009

poem by an adult survivor of encephalitis....I hope my Julia isn't in pain! I wish she could just tell me!!

Encephalitis by Sarah Hill

It locks you away
inside your mind
inside your head
it keeps you alone
and different

Deep down you know
what the difference is
who you used to be
the person you once were
But who are you now?


Try and explain it to others
can they really understand
Try saying “I feel different”
Folks politely ask me why?


Its simple,
my mind is like treacle
(the extra sticky kind)
that pulls out all your fillings
and causes your teeth to grind.


My head is like a vacuum....
of the cleaning type
that sucks up bits and pieces
clears away in one full swipe.


My memory is shot to pieces
my arms and legs are weak
my balance is non existent
held up by two left feet.


There’s my vision too
my eyes – mere shadows
of their former selves
Two friends who find it hard to work
although they can with help.


Some mornings I find it hard to wake
My brain’s been left behind
It’s vanished, gone the night before
Looking for things I cannot find.


I feel like something’s got me
Something weird form outer space.
Am I a “Stepford wife”, a “zombie”?
Am I part of the Human Race?


It doesn’t feel like it.


Do they tell you about the head pain,
The pressure building up,
The depression and the mood swings,
Desperation fills my cup.


My tendency to drop things
through my fingers light and weak
How many pairs of trousers torn
from falling off my feet.


Its changed my personality
every ailment caused by you
And so the list continues
my life revolves around –


trying to get over this
dreadful illness.


Encephalitis,
it changes life,
it changes you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

AAAGGGHHHHHH - copy and paste

http://www.drdeeblanco.com/Articles/Vaccinations/tabid/331/Default.aspx

GO ROBERTA!

Spoke with Julia's Life Care Planner Tonight -she will be here within the next few weeks. She had a lot of insight into how she would represent her against the dept of human services Life care planner (who she said was a "female dog" - my response - LET ME AT HER!) Anyway, I am hopeful for some financial and resourceful help for Julia for the rest of her life. Julia will likely be unable to live independantly - ever, so her future depends on Roberta and Ron. PLEASE PRAY AND BELIEVE - in the system and more importantly, in God.

Susan

Saturday, November 7, 2009

another cancellation

Julia's attorney will not be able to make it out now til the new year....cancelled yesterday. The life care planner will still be coming out in november, but not him. Dissappointed to say the least. Oh well, it will happen soon, i suppose. We are closer now than we were three years ago.

Susan

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Mark Shultz song - can you hear me - change the "son" and "him" to to "daughter" and "her" and I love it. Borrowed from Santana's web page...

I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoppin' this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow.
See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him,
He's my son

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Julia's neuro appt today

Julia had her 6 month follow up with neurology today. The news is not good or bad - not suprising -basically just wait and see again. One bit of concern was that her head has not grown since the vaccine injury three yrs ago. Her weight and height are in the 75 and 55% but her head is too small to even be on the charts. I asked about repeating an MRI and they said it really won't give us much information and that the only way to see if she is getting better is to SEE her get better. She explained to me that with the damage being primarily on her frontal lobes of her brain (both sides) that she is always going to have issues with behavior and impulse control. She said she will never be normal. But that she still has hope that she will improve - to what degree??? nobody knows. She said me putting her in that school that I did was the best thing I could have done for her - that hopefully the structure will teach her about appropriate behavior and socialization. She said it will likely take a lot of time, and I only have enough money for about 10 months for the school, so i will have to figure that one out.

I am so so so very angry about what happened to her. The dr's seem so callous - well maybe not callous, but just very "nonchalant" or "indifferent" about it all - i guess i get that way too in vet med, but these are people KIDS, not just dogs and cats. I don't know - i want it put to me straight, but it hurts to see them so...whatever....about it. They never knew her "before" - that she was an incredible baby with a fabulous personality, and now her life is FOREVER changed because of a stupid vaccine, for something she NEVER would have probably gotten anyway. I am so sad today. Happy birthday to me.....whatever. I just want to go to bed - tomorrow is another day.

Thanks to all of you who show your continued support for Julia and her crazy mom! :) Kidding, sort of.

Susan

Monday, November 2, 2009

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

So nice and true....I for one will always do my best for you kids - I ain't perfect by any means, but will never just leave you hanging. I will always "just deal with it" for you. You are the reason for my existance.

"There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children. There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want, and that they grow up in peace" - Kofi Annan