Today Julia woke up with a really bad cough....there's a bug going around - most everyone has had it. Hopefully it will just run its course and be over with. However, one of Julia's friends (well, her mom, Pam, is mostly my friend - Julia has only met Makenzie once) had it and had to go to the ER - but Makenzie has significantly more issues with her brain damage and aspiration and gagging than Julia does, so I am thankful for that (not that Makenzie is worse off, but that Julia doesn't have those problems!!!). I just feel bad loading her up on even more medications than she is usually on.....she has her own little pharmacy going here!
I've been feeling kinda down lately. Even with Julia's progress, I seem to have a lack of ability to just "get over it" and accept Julia for who she is. Let me tell you, that is easier said than done. She is still so cute and has become much more affectionate towards me and others over the last month or so....she sometimes just walks over and gives me a kiss on the mouth which she never would have done three months ago, but I still miss the things she "should" be doing by now. I want to sit and watch a movie with her, but she doesn't sit for more than about three seconds. I want to have her help me cook popcorn and watch TV like Jack and I did when he was her age, but her attention span makes this impossible. I want to sleep in bed with her like I did with Jack when he was her age, but she will roll out of the bed. I want to hear what she has to say (other than screeching and crying), but she still does not speak, other than an occasional "mama". I know this shouldn't be and isn't "all about me".....she's doing the best she can, and so am I, but many days I feel my best is not enough. I feel overcome with sadness and anger at times (many times). I just can't get it out of my head about what she might had been doing if I hadn't had her vaccinated. I'm sure there is a lesson here somewhere for me and my family, but wow...I wish I knew what it was and wish I could handle things better.
Jack has his six year check up in an hour. He is due for his vaccines as well. He will NOT be getting them. I pray I don't get "the look" from the pediatrician for not vaccinating him....but if I do get the look, I have all of Julia's records (over 200 pages from the last two years) to hand to him for Julia's file, and hopefully he will understand my hesitation.
Well, hopefully these feelings I've been having will dissipate....they always seem to come and go, so pray that they "go" soon. Thanks for listening.
Susan
I've been feeling kinda down lately. Even with Julia's progress, I seem to have a lack of ability to just "get over it" and accept Julia for who she is. Let me tell you, that is easier said than done. She is still so cute and has become much more affectionate towards me and others over the last month or so....she sometimes just walks over and gives me a kiss on the mouth which she never would have done three months ago, but I still miss the things she "should" be doing by now. I want to sit and watch a movie with her, but she doesn't sit for more than about three seconds. I want to have her help me cook popcorn and watch TV like Jack and I did when he was her age, but her attention span makes this impossible. I want to sleep in bed with her like I did with Jack when he was her age, but she will roll out of the bed. I want to hear what she has to say (other than screeching and crying), but she still does not speak, other than an occasional "mama". I know this shouldn't be and isn't "all about me".....she's doing the best she can, and so am I, but many days I feel my best is not enough. I feel overcome with sadness and anger at times (many times). I just can't get it out of my head about what she might had been doing if I hadn't had her vaccinated. I'm sure there is a lesson here somewhere for me and my family, but wow...I wish I knew what it was and wish I could handle things better.
Jack has his six year check up in an hour. He is due for his vaccines as well. He will NOT be getting them. I pray I don't get "the look" from the pediatrician for not vaccinating him....but if I do get the look, I have all of Julia's records (over 200 pages from the last two years) to hand to him for Julia's file, and hopefully he will understand my hesitation.
Well, hopefully these feelings I've been having will dissipate....they always seem to come and go, so pray that they "go" soon. Thanks for listening.
Susan
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